Shitbox Search, Chapter 2!

by AuburnVixen
My fiance and I are shopping for a house...Given this will be our first home, we do not expect it to be our dream home...but we would like it to be a home that does not have mold growing on its walls, termites chewing up the floorboards, gaping holes and cracks at every turn, or have swamp-like conditions in the basement. Given the amount of money we plan to spend on a house, I really don't think it's too much to ask that it be a normal friggin house away from the power plants or high-voltage power lines...A house where I can start a family without my babies being born with 3 eyes and an IQ of 15! Yes folks, we would like to purchase a home where the sellers are not charging full price for a house that should be condemned, torn down, and is on a plot of land that should be completely sterilized in order to kill off the genetically mutated organisms the rotting house managed to reproduced!

To the moronic real estate agents and the greedy dipshit home owners trying to sell: We are in a recession, in case you hadn't noticed...so if you are struggling with money, SO ARE WE!! You might have paid $450,000 for your home 10 years ago, but that doesn't mean that's what your house is worth now! I know it's not exactly fair, but it's a fact of life and life sucks! If your assessed value is $300,000, don't try to sell your house for $360,000 and think the buyer (aka ME!) is going to say, "OH GEE!!! What an awesome deal!!! You must have read the sign on my forehead that says SUCKER" We aren't stupid and we aren't fooled by your agents that tell us they had "no idea the house is really a 2 bedroom...not a 6 bedroom!" or they can't believe there's water in the basement!!!! OMG!!! That's NEVER happened before!!!"..meanwhile there are 5 sump pumps going that just HAPPENED to already be there! And let's not forget about those awesome houses, gorgeous on the inside, but their neighbor lives in a house that only Slingblade could love and you have to keep your children on a leash so they don't run out into the street and turn into roadkill!

Over the weekend, we viewed several houses. The first house we went into was beautiful from the outside and fixed up nicely on the inside. It was a cute house with a cute kitty! But the basement was leaking water out of every pour and it smelled like Mr. Kitty's poop x 2000! Have you ever seen that Wal-Mart commercial where the woman sprints it to the parking lot screaming to her husband "START YOUR CAR!!!! START YOUR CAR!!!!!" That was us.

Some of the houses on our list did not have open houses, but we were in the area and decided to do a drive by...We drove by alright and probably left a few tire tracks on their street.

We became so fed up with the experience, that we didn't even bother with the last 2 houses on our list.