Can YOU Predict the Future? GOOD!....Neither Can I!

by AuburnVixen

The time has come, once again for all of us to fill out that stupid Census form that the U.S. Department of Commerce pressures us all to fill out each year. I received mine in the mail last week and it's been sitting, wrinkled inside my work bag waiting to be completed. Today, I pulled it out and forced myself to rip it open and get the damn thing over with! The forms are pretty short and require very little effort to fill out. I mean, it's not like taking your SAT's!

First sentence "Use a blue or black pen." Ok...got it! Next sentence, "Start here"...no shit! I read on "Before you answer Question 1, count the people living in this house/apartment." Well that shouldn't be too difficult...one, two! THE END!

Ok...onto Question #1
"How many people were living or staying in this house/apartment on April 1, 2010?"
:-| I look at my calendar...Yes, it is still March. I re-read the question with emphasis:
"How many people WERE living or staying in this house/apartment ON April 1, 2010?"
I am NOT falling for this April fools prank!! NO WAY!!!!
So I turn to my co-workers for their insight and ask them, "Did you fill out the Census 2010 yet?" they both answer yes. I ask, "What's today's date?" They confirm it is indeed March 24th, 2010. I go back to the Census and read the question one more time...baring in mind that a Census that was supposed to be easier than the SAT is now turning out more difficult than the Barr Exam!
Ok...one more time:
"How many people were living or staying in this house/apartment on April 1, 2010?"
Hang on while I get my crystal ball...aw fuck it! I write down "2."

Question #2
"Were there any ADDITIONAL people staying here April 1, 2010 that you DID NOT INCLUDE in Question 1?"
I guess once wasn't bad enough! They had to ask it again in case you suddenly reproduced while you were reading the question! And even if by some miracle I HAD reproduced, it would STILL BE MARCH!

Question #3, "Is this house or apartment..." then it asks me to 'mark one box' but every multiple choice answer is phrased like a question...For example, "Rented?" Ok, so they want me to select an answer that is posed like a question. Now who is going to answer the question???

Question #4, they want my phone number. Let's see...900-FUC-KOFF.

Question #5, "provide info on each person living here." GEEZ they're nosey!

Question #6, "What is Person 1's sex?" Answer: "All the time."

Question #7, "What is person's age and what is person's date of birth?"
So they can't just ask for the date of birth? Because believe it or not, my age is going to change, but my date of birth will always remain the same...Maybe they are testing to see if I'm going to lie about my age and are comparing it to what I write for my date of birth.

Question #8, "Is Person of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?"
If I answer yes, do I win something?

Question #9, "What is person's race?"
I don't know about you, but I HATE this question?? When are we going to stop putting so much emphasis on what color our skin is?? If we were all blind, it wouldn't matter, now would it. Just for that, I'm writing "PURPLE!" Then I can claim that I am being discriminated against because I am the smallest minority in the country. "I AM PURPLE DAMMIT!!! HIRE ME!!"

Question #10, "Does person sometimes live or stay somewhere else?"
Does that person live??? I sure as hell hope so! It's ME we're talking about?
Do I STAY somewhere else? If you believe someone who spends 30% of their lives at work stays "somewhere else" then yeah, I guess I do!! Is this a trick question?

I'm finished....now I can mail this useless tree destroying scrap of crap back to where it came from!

I Am No Bridezilla, But It's Tempting!

by AuburnVixen

I've come to realize that finding a wedding dress is as difficult as finding a house! For every 50 you see, 49 of them are junk and the one you love is too expensive!
Over the weekend, my mother and I ventured out to shop for my wedding dress. My mom is a lot of fun to take along because she LOVES to shop and loves clothes equally as much!
I looked online and found 3 places to visit that day. The first one we went to was a small place with big dressing rooms. Small selection, but not bad. Prices were ok.
I didn't see anything that really impressed me, but tried on a bunch anyway.
The woman running the shop, who I will call "C" was the only one there that day.

When we first arrived, C asked me what I was looking for. I told her my style and fabric preferences and also clearly stated I did not want ivory (my Catholic mother has already voiced her opinion on this, but she doesn't quite grasp the fact that virgin brides only exist in fairy tales!). I ended up trying some ivory dresses on anyway just to see how the style looked on me.
During the visit and dress changing period, C would pop her head into the dressing room every once in a while to see how we were doing and also to try and talk us into liking everything I tried on. I just LOVE THAT!

C had given me these boob fillers that she called "chicken cutlets." The chicken cutlets came in handy, giving my lack of cleavage a little hope. C and my mother stepped out of the room, and I proceeded to try on the next dress. Pretty dress, but my tits were literally floating in the cups like two queen olives in a martini!
so when the woman and my mom came back into the room, I said, "I love this dress, but the chicken cutlets were useless...I'm gonna need the whole chicken!"
After C stopped laughing and left the room, I moved onto the next dress, which was ivory..very pretty though! C came back into the room as I was trying to take it off and she said, "What's wrong with that one?" I said to the woman, "This one's nice, but it's ivory...I don't want ivory." and she said, "That's not really ivory...you are just deceived by the lighting in this room....come with me!!!" and she proceeds to yank me out of the dressing room, and shove me out the front door onto the sidewalk of a busy street and says, "SEE! It's not ivory!!" My first response would have been, "If it's ivory inside, it's ivory outside, unless you are selling some new dye that changes white in the sun!" but instead, I decided to maintain what was left of my dignity and just go with, "I don't like it!"

The second store we went to was yet another hole in the wall shop, but it was much worse. The dresses were all ripped, dirty, and overpriced. I tried on only a couple...the woman working there had no sense of humor, which was noted by my mom when I made an awesome joke and the woman didn't laugh.
We did not stay long at this shop, but on a good note, I did get admired through the window when a couple was passing by and stared at how pretty I looked in the dress I didn't want!!

The last shop stop was a little further away to get to, about 1/2 hour drive. I plugged the address into the GPS and about 30 minutes later, GPS Denise is saying, "Please stay to the left" which we did, and "You have reached your destination!" which was actually the highway with cement walls on either side of us. Luckily for us, I saw the store and was able to turn around and get to it, but I really wanted to smash Denise in the face and say, "It was a RIGHT, you stupid bitch!! NOT a LEFT!!" Who programs those things?? Men without maps??

Anyway, to finish my story, we drive into the parking lot, which is insanely busy and difficult to find a spot. Then I see a group of people (yes, I said GROUP) walking to their mini-van, so I pull up close to it, turn on my blinker and wait for them to leave...and I wait...and wait. After losing my patience, I gave up and found another spot while mumbling under my breath that we were late for our appointment because this family truly believes "Eight really isn't enough!" As my mom and I walked passed Octomom and her 10 other relatives, the driver was finally backing out of her spot, stopped halfway and got out of the car. All I could do was shake my head. Just another day surrounded by idiots! And oh look! They all ride together! Where is the uni-bomber when you need him?

The third bridal shop was fun! We plan to go back when it's less busy. Still have not found my dress though, but I'll keep looking. The search for the dress (AND the house) continues...

THANK GOD!! It Was Only A Dream, or Should I Say NIGHTMARE!!

by AuburnVixen

I am getting married this year, and I couldn't be happier. So far, everything is coming together smoothly, which is a rare occurrence in my life! My wedding will include a made of honor (my best friend and partner in crime!) and one other bridesmaid. Last night, I had a dream that it was my wedding day. Family and friends were present and my mother was doing the thing she does so well: handling the decorations and arrangements. As a typical bride would be, I was stressed and not thinking clearly from all the excitement and anticipation. When I entered the room for the reception, I saw people sitting in chairs and the JP stood at the front of the room, reciting Bible scripture...I was about ready to barf!
I walked over to the location where one bridesmaid stood (supposedly my friend, but in my dream she was someone I had never met before..that's dreams for ya!). My actual wedding color scheme is supposed to be a deep dark gold and black with other accent colors. But when I looked at my "dream bridesmaid friend," she was wearing PASTEL COLORS!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PASTEL??? Why not cut me with razors and dip me in acid!!! Even worse, the flowers were the same color scheme. I turned to my mom and said, "Mom! These are not the right colors?" and she said in her Too-Bad-I-Do-What-I-Want tone, "But they are so pretty!" Then I noticed I did not have a bouquet and she said, "Just grab some flowers off the table." :-| ummmm...ok. TACKY!!!!
All of a sudden, I realized my maid of honor wasn't there!! I FORGOT TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT!! I ran to the door in a panic and saw her driving up in a convertible taxi with her husband next to her. Convertible taxi??? That's new!
She was smiling, as she always does in bad situations, and I could tell she probably was NOT going to kill me...she'd probably wait until after the wedding when she's drunk off her ass and blaming me for stealing her make-believe toothbrush again! I woke up from the dream after that... PHEW!!!
Good news is, it was only a dream. I still expect my wedding will be one of the most wonderful days of my life!!! :)

STUPID PEOPLE INVASION!!

by AuburnVixen

They are all around me and I can't escape! No matter where I turn, I'm surrounded by stupid people! Is there any hope?? They are on the phone, on my computer, driving their cars! They are walking on the sidewalks or crossing the street..They are on buses, airplanes and boats! I have tried to block them out...tried to avoid them...but they find me!!! They always find me!!!

The voice in side of my head keeps repeating, "If you can't beat 'em...join 'em!!...If you can't beat 'em...join 'em!!" NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

The Joys of Owning a Home – Part 2

Two days went by and no leak was detected. Because my son is home for spring break – my husband offered to pay him $20.00 to fill the hole. He did that yesterday. When I got off of work I went to the water meter and it was running again! My husband got home from work and his jaw dropped when I told him. He said “No WAY!!!! I’m not digging that back up!” Well needless to say he did.

Once he did the water meter stopped moving. Again! But this time he was not going to give up so easily. So this time we both go to the master bathroom and flush the toilet – nothing. Then the shower – nothing. Finally the faucet – nothing! We turn to the ‘other’ bathroom. Shower-nothing. Faucet – nothing. Toilet – nothing. Water meter – nothing.

We scratch our heads…hmmmm. My husband finally turns on the water hose in the backyard and WHALA!!!! The hole begins to fill up with water!!! There was a water leak on the pipe going to the water hose. Yes, this was underground and yes – it has now been repaired.

Dumb Ass Drivers and Cell Phones

by AuburnVixen

We all hear about it on the news: Accidents caused by drivers using their cell phones. The statistics are clear but the drivers do not seem to care. They think they are invincible!!! I'm not going to claim that I have never used my cell phone while driving, but I will tell you it is an extremely rare occurrence. Why? Because I listen to the warnings and I do not believe I am indestructible! Maybe it's because I'm "older and wiser" or maybe it's because I'm not a total fucking idiot!!

Sometimes I pull up to an intersection and look at the cars around me, and try to count how many people are on their cell phone. I can tell you, I am out numbered. One of these days I'm going to get out of my car, open your driver's side door, grab your cell phone and smack you upside the fucking head with it! If your parents and/or friends won't do it, SOMEONE ought to!

I happen to live in a city where people naturally drive like idiots anyway, so people that use their cell phones while driving only increases the number of morons on the road and I am one of the unlucky ones that has to deal with it, risking my life every day on the road with you. I am just trying to get my ass to work so I can pay the bills and I don't want my salary wasted on purchasing myself a new skull because of some selfish cell phone using fuck-up!

When I purchased my latest cell phone two years ago, they had these tiny little gadgets called a BLU-TOOTH device. Check it out! It might save your life or better yet, someone else's!

If my post isn't enough to convince you, check out this website...and if that doesn't work, I guess killing someone will!

http://www.car-accidents.com/cell_phone_car_accidents.html

Shitbox Search, Chapter 2!

by AuburnVixen
My fiance and I are shopping for a house...Given this will be our first home, we do not expect it to be our dream home...but we would like it to be a home that does not have mold growing on its walls, termites chewing up the floorboards, gaping holes and cracks at every turn, or have swamp-like conditions in the basement. Given the amount of money we plan to spend on a house, I really don't think it's too much to ask that it be a normal friggin house away from the power plants or high-voltage power lines...A house where I can start a family without my babies being born with 3 eyes and an IQ of 15! Yes folks, we would like to purchase a home where the sellers are not charging full price for a house that should be condemned, torn down, and is on a plot of land that should be completely sterilized in order to kill off the genetically mutated organisms the rotting house managed to reproduced!

To the moronic real estate agents and the greedy dipshit home owners trying to sell: We are in a recession, in case you hadn't noticed...so if you are struggling with money, SO ARE WE!! You might have paid $450,000 for your home 10 years ago, but that doesn't mean that's what your house is worth now! I know it's not exactly fair, but it's a fact of life and life sucks! If your assessed value is $300,000, don't try to sell your house for $360,000 and think the buyer (aka ME!) is going to say, "OH GEE!!! What an awesome deal!!! You must have read the sign on my forehead that says SUCKER" We aren't stupid and we aren't fooled by your agents that tell us they had "no idea the house is really a 2 bedroom...not a 6 bedroom!" or they can't believe there's water in the basement!!!! OMG!!! That's NEVER happened before!!!"..meanwhile there are 5 sump pumps going that just HAPPENED to already be there! And let's not forget about those awesome houses, gorgeous on the inside, but their neighbor lives in a house that only Slingblade could love and you have to keep your children on a leash so they don't run out into the street and turn into roadkill!

Over the weekend, we viewed several houses. The first house we went into was beautiful from the outside and fixed up nicely on the inside. It was a cute house with a cute kitty! But the basement was leaking water out of every pour and it smelled like Mr. Kitty's poop x 2000! Have you ever seen that Wal-Mart commercial where the woman sprints it to the parking lot screaming to her husband "START YOUR CAR!!!! START YOUR CAR!!!!!" That was us.

Some of the houses on our list did not have open houses, but we were in the area and decided to do a drive by...We drove by alright and probably left a few tire tracks on their street.

We became so fed up with the experience, that we didn't even bother with the last 2 houses on our list.

The Genuis People that Wander MY World

by MischieviousAngel

Here in my hometown we have this website called (insert name of town here) Freecycle.com. People use this website to post item’s they no longer use or that they are trying to get rid of without having to throw them away and clog up or landfills. I answered a post today of a gentleman looking for a bicycle for himself and his wife. I responded “I have a women’s 15 speed bicycle I am trying to get rid of. The chain will need readjusting and the tires will need air. A little bit of rust but nothing that a small can of WD-40 won’t fix”. I received a responses saying, “Thanks for the offer, but my wife and I are looking for bikes that we can ride already.” Hmmm…. I responded by saying “Oh, YOU are ONE of those people.

Prick! I’m so sure – what part of my post did you not understand. Adjust the chain, air up the tires, and spray with WD-40 – it is USEABLE NOW!!! And actually in very good condition.

Guess he's never heard of beggars not being choosers!!!

The Joys of Owning a Home

by MischieviousAngel

For a couple of weeks now we (my husband and I) have noticed that the water meter continues to spend even after all the water in the house has been turned off. Obviously, this is evidence that we have a water leak. Since the meter was spinning very slowly we thought the best thing to do was to continue using the water and eventually we would notice where the water leak is at. This would save us money on having to hire someone to locate the leak for us.

Having two bathrooms in my house, I usually use only the bathroom in my master bedroom, leaving the other bathroom for my son. Saturday morning as I start my cleaning routine I walk into the ‘other’ bathroom and I swear I can hear some water running. So I run outside to check and see if the water hose might be on. The hose is turned off but there is a puddle of water next to the window of this bathroom.

Excitedly I run to my husband and say “I found the water leak!” He quickly runs outside with me to go see and then he runs to the meter to turn it off (the meter is now running steadily). He immediately starts digging in the area where all the water has accumulated. He says, “This has got to be it. I knew it was a water leak underneath the house because there wasn’t running water anywhere inside the house and there were no wet areas either to symbolize the water leak being inside.” He continues to dig until he has a hole about 30 inches deep and 24 inches wide. Once he is able to see the waterlines that lead to under the house, he asked that I turn the water back on.

I did as I was instructed and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally he screams, “Did you turn the water on?” I respond, “Yes! About 3 minutes ago.” After a while he says, “I don’t see anything.” Not believing him I go to where he has dug the hole and take a look for myself. Sure enough – the dirt is drier than dry. We look at each other and say, “There has got to be something!” We both walk back to the meter and the meter is at a standstill! Not believing that the leak has repaired itself, I instruct my son to stand by the meter and to tell me when it starts spinning again while I go inside and open some water to see if the water pressure will resurface the leak. I flush the toilet in the master bedroom – nothing. I turn on the shower in the master bedroom – nothing. I turn on the faucet in the master bedroom – nothing. I turn my attention to the ‘other’ bathroom. I turn on the shower there – nothing. I turn on the sink faucet – nothing. Finally I flush the toilet – still nothing. I run to look at the meter – NOTHING.

Our leak has mysteriously disappeared and the water that was standing outside the bathroom window has strangely enough dried. My husband and I have decided to leave the hole opened until we are completely satisfied that the leak is no longer there. I will keep you posted.

House Hunting (a.k.a. Shitbox Search!)

Today's Yahoo IM by AuburnVixen and MischievousAngel
(names have been changed to an initial to protect the innocent.. not that anyone is truly innocent!)

AuburnVixen: oooooo....there's a really nice house in our price range!
P is going to say he hates it cause it's a split level...but it's got a LOT of great pluses!! HUGE garage, HUGE yard, HUGE master bedroom....It's a 5 bedroom house too! woah!
It's in our price range too!....I wonder what's wrong with it.
MischievousAngel: what is a split level?
AuburnVixen: a split level is when you walk in the front door into an entry area where you see stairs going up and stairs going down...it's like the basement is 1/2 under the ground and the top part of the house is more like a ranch where it's all one floor on top. They are cookie-cutter houses...they all look the same.
MischievousAngel: oh I LOVE those
AuburnVixen: you do??? EWWWW!
MischievousAngel: yes. I want one of those! Where I choose if you come in the rest of the way or not!
AuburnVixen: I don't love them at all because they are a dime a dozen around here. I used to like them, but since we started looking at houses, that's all we see and they are all the same. They also tend to be cheaply made.
MischievousAngel: Well I like them cause when you open your door to the living room everyone wants to look in. This way - if they look in all they see is stairs up or down. "Mother fucker keep looking inside my house and I'm going to push you down the mother fucking stairs!"

Stupid People, No Matter what their Race!

by AuburnVixen

I work with this guy who I call The Asian Annoyer... he's not annoying because he's Asian...he's an Asian that just happens to be very annoying. ...ok, I know what some of you are thinking, "OH MY GOD!! She's insulting Asian people!!" All you freak shows out there getting themselves into a politically correct tizzy need to calm the fuk down!! I'm not prejudiced against Asians...some of my closest friends are Asian...and black...and Hispanic, etc etc. There is nothing wrong with pointing out an obvious fact about someone's race. He's Asian and he's totally fucking annoying!!

Anyway, where was I?

So The Asian Annoyer emails me 3 weeks ago asking me to place an order for 3 computers and 3 monitors for his new colleagues (I order supplies at work, in case you hadn't guessed!). Because I'm so busy, I can't get to his request for a few days. So, four days later, he writes to my boss and cc's me, "We need two desktops for new fellows. We have two monitors. Without computer, their productivity will not be good." A few things to note here:
1. thanks for writing to my boss and making it seem like I'm not doing my fuking job!
2. It's a good thing I didn't order 3 computers and 3 monitors because he suddenly only needs 2 computers and NO monitors...I think!!
3. He's a dick!

So I write him back, cc'ing my boss, letting him know I'm working on it and asking him to please clarify the EXACT number of computers and monitors he needs because he's not being clear!
I get his response...he only wants me to order 2 computers.
Four days later, he writes me again...tells me he needs a new giant sized monitor...like the one my boss has. Trust me when I say he doesn't need one...he already has TWO computers and TWO monitors and every year asks us to order some new high end thing for him as though we grow money on trees here! Greedy unimportant bastard!

Bringing this all to a close, I just thought I would add that his computers arrived today, and I just received yet another email from The Asian Annoyer asking me to order another monitor. What an ass!!!

"In the beginning, God created stupid people!"

by AuburnVixen

I'm driving home from work and approach an intersection, with me behind one car and we are both in the middle lane (which goes straight, by the way!! I thought I should mention that in case you never took the time to read your driver's manual or "forgot" the rules of the road!)...there is a car in the right lane where people SHOULD turn right and no one to the left of us in the left turn only lane (I repeat, LEFT TURN ONLY!!!). For some brief history, I wanted to note that only a year ago, someone in that left lane did not make a left turn and almost slammed into another car...no one died that day...and if someone DID die, my vote would be for Mr. Dumbfuk!). TODAY, the driver in the right lane made a left turn...nearly causing a three car accident. This is just ONE example of the stupid people I see on the road every single day. I have no idea why I am still alive today and have never been in a car accident!

WELCOME TO CYNICAL MADNESS!!!

Welcome to our very first blog entry of Cynical Madness! We have been best friends for over twelve years now, IM each other almost every single day, have nearly died in more than one traffic situation, but here we are, alive and kickin! To make our lives more interesting, and more entertaining to others, we have decided to put our daily bitching to good use and share it with the internet world!

So don't let our opinions piss you off! Enjoy reading them and lighten the fuk up! Life is too short to bite our tongues and hold your thoughts in. If you have something to say, then say it! But if we don't like what you have to say, be forewarned that we will let you know it!

Stay tuned for more from MischievousAngel and AuburnVixen!! (those are our code names in case you're too stupid or too wasted to figure that out!)