written by AuburnVixen
Don't you just LOVE receiving emails from scammers that THINK they can trick you into believing their "too good to be true" email scams? We all get them every day and lose precious time in our lives opening them, reading the bullshit, writing them back an "FU" note, and then deleting their message! Life's too short and their are WAY more important and interesting people I'd rather be writing to.
One of the solutions to getting rid of the spam crap we get in our inbox, is to open each email and click on that teeny-tiny "unsubscribe" link that takes you to a new window where you can type in your email address and they'll stop sending you bullcrap. But guess what!!! They don't always work! For the past month, I've been receiving spam from "singles.net" where they keep telling me I have an email message from someone who wants to meet me and I need to log into singles.net to read the message from this supposed "Mr. Right!" Hmmmm, that's funny! #1 I'm not single and #2 I never signed up for that site in the first place, so how the fuck does someone know to even write to me and ask me out on a date?!?! Ok, fine...instead of getting mad, I'll just click on "unsubscribe." Well folks, let me tell you! I have been clicking on "unsubscribe" 20 times a day for the past week and I'm getting even MORE emails from them!! ASSHOLES!!!
But enough about them...today I logged into my blog email (yes, this blog) and this lovely woman sends me a very pleasant email saying how much she enjoys reading our blog and then asks us to "create a short post in your blog about
System Optimizer in exchange for the full version." Excuse me miss, but you're a liar and a skank because you really didn't actually read our blog or you would have said it was funny or that you were severely insulted by it! Not to mention, it's more obvious than 10 foot giant with his dick hanging out that you're just trying to make a sale!! How about we "optimize" YOUR system by shoving your bullshit spam email right up your ass!!!!
On a positive note, I did want to compliment the other email spam lady who also sent us a request to use her product, but at least she was honest and didn't claim to be "reading our blog!!" We don't even have a single follower yet. Which btw, what's up with that?? :-\
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
"WOW! Look at all the colors, man!"
The following is an IM conversation between MischieviousAngel and AuburnVixen. You may want to read the blog post prior to this one, entitle, "I must have been adopted!"
AUBURNVIXEN: I sent my mom the link to the dresses with the new Fern color...she wrote back, said the color is pretty...then mentioned she likes the tangerine color...
so do you want to look like a piece of fruit now?
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: I'm going to look like Chiquita Banana
AUBURNVIXEN: LMAO@ Chiquita. Great! Now I have that song in my head!
[looking at the dresses] the copper color is really pretty! but I still like the fern green. P's sister did a dark brown for her wedding...I don't want to do a similar color...P. said "Who cares!" and I said, "ME! I don't want people looking at wedding photos and getting confused about who's wedding it was! Your's or her's!"
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: lol
AUBURNVIXEN: OMG!!! I just looked at the tangerine...JESUS!!! I'm BLIND!!!
My mom is NUTS!
Did you see it?
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: yea
AUBURNVIXEN: it's like a neon orange!! WTF!
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: it's too damn bright
AUBURNVIXEN: yeah...my invitations will have to include a warning clause and the guests will have to sign a waiver AND wear sunglasses!!!
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: ask them to wear 3D glasses
AUBURNVIXEN: yeah with a note "Items may appear closer and larger than they really are"
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: YEAH that way they will think my fat ass is just a figment of their glasses
AUBURNVIXEN: hey! I'm liking that idea for my boobs!!! Do they make bi-focal 3-D glasses? big on top, small on the bottom?
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: Mine will look 3D.
I'm going to lunch. I'll be back later
AUBURNVIXEN: woah....I just gave birth to a giant brown booty baby! I feel 10 lbs lighter!! Sweet!
AUBURNVIXEN: I sent my mom the link to the dresses with the new Fern color...she wrote back, said the color is pretty...then mentioned she likes the tangerine color...
so do you want to look like a piece of fruit now?
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: I'm going to look like Chiquita Banana
AUBURNVIXEN: LMAO@ Chiquita. Great! Now I have that song in my head!
[looking at the dresses] the copper color is really pretty! but I still like the fern green. P's sister did a dark brown for her wedding...I don't want to do a similar color...P. said "Who cares!" and I said, "ME! I don't want people looking at wedding photos and getting confused about who's wedding it was! Your's or her's!"
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: lol
AUBURNVIXEN: OMG!!! I just looked at the tangerine...JESUS!!! I'm BLIND!!!
My mom is NUTS!
Did you see it?
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: yea
AUBURNVIXEN: it's like a neon orange!! WTF!
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: it's too damn bright
AUBURNVIXEN: yeah...my invitations will have to include a warning clause and the guests will have to sign a waiver AND wear sunglasses!!!
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: ask them to wear 3D glasses
AUBURNVIXEN: yeah with a note "Items may appear closer and larger than they really are"
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: YEAH that way they will think my fat ass is just a figment of their glasses
AUBURNVIXEN: hey! I'm liking that idea for my boobs!!! Do they make bi-focal 3-D glasses? big on top, small on the bottom?
MISCHIEVIOUSANGEL: Mine will look 3D.
I'm going to lunch. I'll be back later
AUBURNVIXEN: woah....I just gave birth to a giant brown booty baby! I feel 10 lbs lighter!! Sweet!
I must have been adopted!!!!
by AuburnVixen
My mother and I had a very rocky relationship while I was growing up. We tend to have different opinions on a lot of matters...she loves politics, while the mere mention of the word annoys the hell out of me...she loves to shop til she drops, while I only set foot in stores when I absolutely have to...even her taste in clothes is very different from mine. But she was and still is an extremely caring and loving mom who would do anything for her kids and I love her for it!
As I mentioned already, there are times when we do not see eye-to-eye. And when that happens, she handles the situation much differently than I wish she would...Thus, getting a rise out of me, increasing my blood pressure, and pretty much ruining my mood for the entire day! Today was one of those days.
I'm getting married, as you probably already guessed from my earlier post, and my mom and I have been talking pretty much on a daily basis. We've been getting along really well in comparison to other not-so-pleasant historical moments we have shared.
This morning I called her to give her a cheerful hello and provide her with the latest updates in my wedding planners task list (it's actually more of a "mental" list as opposed to an actual hand-written list). First I shared with her the details of our trip to Home Depot to look at refrigerators. I told her we picked our favorite and that we hope to clarify the "no payments for 2 years" offer my mother received because the store claims that no such offer exists. That conversation went fine.
I then changed the subject and told her we also stopped at a bridal shop...Bare in mind, I had already felt confident that the colors I would use would be gold and black. For months, I did not waiver from that decision at all...until last night when I discovered the shade of gold that I was looking for was near impossible to find in a dress and that it was just going to cause me an aggravation. I'm all about NOT aggravating myself and making this engagement a pleasant, joyful experience the whole way through. I will NOT fall into that trap that many other engaged couples fall into, which ends up being a huge reason why so many people elope! What I mean is, I refuse to be a fiance from hell and freak out and overreact about an event that is going to last ONLY ONE FRIGGIN DAY!!! Sure, I want it to be special, but for Christ's sake, it's already special because I met the man of my dreams! That goes beyond special...It belongs in the category of MIRACLES!
So we walk into the store and I see a very pretty dress in a very pretty shade of green (I think they called it "sage") and I say to P. that we don't HAVE to use Gold..nothing's set in stone..is he ok with that? he says "yes honey!"..isn't he the best!?!
We meet up with a girl that works there and she walks us around, showing us all the styles and colors they have. And to my surprise, not only did they not carry the shade of gold I wanted, they didn't carry gold AT ALL!! My only alternative in that color family was canary yellow! (MischieviousAngel is my maid of honor...She later thanked me for not choosing a color that would make her look like a character from Sesame Street!) So canary yellow was off the list of options! But as we looked through the dresses, my eyes were drawn to this gorgeous shade of green (not the sage one). They called it "fern!" Ah fern! How pretty a name, as well as a color! So I was convinced, THAT was the color I wanted.
So back to my mother. When I told her, in a cheerful voice, that I decided to change the color, and explained my very rational reasons why (i.e. the gold is too hard to find; I really loved that green; I don't want to see people have to spend a lot of money for a dress and the green was on sale), her tone changed and all I got was a very dull "oh..what eva!" Uh oh! I know that tone...something was wrong...my mother was annoyed with me...that's NEVER a good thing and I braced for impact! I said, "What's wrong?" and the words that came out of her mouth only triggered that same reaction I felt in my gutt many many times over the years. She said, "Well I just don't like seeing you influenced by other people and changing your mind because of what other people want!!!" .....huh?....Did I just enter the Twilight Zone??? Are we both talking about the same thing and did she even listen to me? So, just like in those other historical events when she pushed my buttons, I snapped and vented and felt extremely aggravated and insulted! Somehow, I managed to clear things up when I said "I chose that color because I liked it MORE!" and she suddenly reverted back to sane and happily said, "OH! OK!...so back to the refrigerator...which one did you like?" I said, "We really liked the GE model."
She said, "GE!?!?! Do NOT BUY GE!!! They are HORRIBLE and unreliable..Choose a different brand!!"
'Nuff said!!
My mother and I had a very rocky relationship while I was growing up. We tend to have different opinions on a lot of matters...she loves politics, while the mere mention of the word annoys the hell out of me...she loves to shop til she drops, while I only set foot in stores when I absolutely have to...even her taste in clothes is very different from mine. But she was and still is an extremely caring and loving mom who would do anything for her kids and I love her for it!
As I mentioned already, there are times when we do not see eye-to-eye. And when that happens, she handles the situation much differently than I wish she would...Thus, getting a rise out of me, increasing my blood pressure, and pretty much ruining my mood for the entire day! Today was one of those days.
I'm getting married, as you probably already guessed from my earlier post, and my mom and I have been talking pretty much on a daily basis. We've been getting along really well in comparison to other not-so-pleasant historical moments we have shared.
This morning I called her to give her a cheerful hello and provide her with the latest updates in my wedding planners task list (it's actually more of a "mental" list as opposed to an actual hand-written list). First I shared with her the details of our trip to Home Depot to look at refrigerators. I told her we picked our favorite and that we hope to clarify the "no payments for 2 years" offer my mother received because the store claims that no such offer exists. That conversation went fine.
I then changed the subject and told her we also stopped at a bridal shop...Bare in mind, I had already felt confident that the colors I would use would be gold and black. For months, I did not waiver from that decision at all...until last night when I discovered the shade of gold that I was looking for was near impossible to find in a dress and that it was just going to cause me an aggravation. I'm all about NOT aggravating myself and making this engagement a pleasant, joyful experience the whole way through. I will NOT fall into that trap that many other engaged couples fall into, which ends up being a huge reason why so many people elope! What I mean is, I refuse to be a fiance from hell and freak out and overreact about an event that is going to last ONLY ONE FRIGGIN DAY!!! Sure, I want it to be special, but for Christ's sake, it's already special because I met the man of my dreams! That goes beyond special...It belongs in the category of MIRACLES!
So we walk into the store and I see a very pretty dress in a very pretty shade of green (I think they called it "sage") and I say to P. that we don't HAVE to use Gold..nothing's set in stone..is he ok with that? he says "yes honey!"..isn't he the best!?!
We meet up with a girl that works there and she walks us around, showing us all the styles and colors they have. And to my surprise, not only did they not carry the shade of gold I wanted, they didn't carry gold AT ALL!! My only alternative in that color family was canary yellow! (MischieviousAngel is my maid of honor...She later thanked me for not choosing a color that would make her look like a character from Sesame Street!) So canary yellow was off the list of options! But as we looked through the dresses, my eyes were drawn to this gorgeous shade of green (not the sage one). They called it "fern!" Ah fern! How pretty a name, as well as a color! So I was convinced, THAT was the color I wanted.
So back to my mother. When I told her, in a cheerful voice, that I decided to change the color, and explained my very rational reasons why (i.e. the gold is too hard to find; I really loved that green; I don't want to see people have to spend a lot of money for a dress and the green was on sale), her tone changed and all I got was a very dull "oh..what eva!" Uh oh! I know that tone...something was wrong...my mother was annoyed with me...that's NEVER a good thing and I braced for impact! I said, "What's wrong?" and the words that came out of her mouth only triggered that same reaction I felt in my gutt many many times over the years. She said, "Well I just don't like seeing you influenced by other people and changing your mind because of what other people want!!!" .....huh?....Did I just enter the Twilight Zone??? Are we both talking about the same thing and did she even listen to me? So, just like in those other historical events when she pushed my buttons, I snapped and vented and felt extremely aggravated and insulted! Somehow, I managed to clear things up when I said "I chose that color because I liked it MORE!" and she suddenly reverted back to sane and happily said, "OH! OK!...so back to the refrigerator...which one did you like?" I said, "We really liked the GE model."
She said, "GE!?!?! Do NOT BUY GE!!! They are HORRIBLE and unreliable..Choose a different brand!!"
'Nuff said!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Can YOU Predict the Future? GOOD!....Neither Can I!
by AuburnVixen
The time has come, once again for all of us to fill out that stupid Census form that the U.S. Department of Commerce pressures us all to fill out each year. I received mine in the mail last week and it's been sitting, wrinkled inside my work bag waiting to be completed. Today, I pulled it out and forced myself to rip it open and get the damn thing over with! The forms are pretty short and require very little effort to fill out. I mean, it's not like taking your SAT's!
First sentence "Use a blue or black pen." Ok...got it! Next sentence, "Start here"...no shit! I read on "Before you answer Question 1, count the people living in this house/apartment." Well that shouldn't be too difficult...one, two! THE END!
Ok...onto Question #1
"How many people were living or staying in this house/apartment on April 1, 2010?"
:-| I look at my calendar...Yes, it is still March. I re-read the question with emphasis:
"How many people WERE living or staying in this house/apartment ON April 1, 2010?"
I am NOT falling for this April fools prank!! NO WAY!!!!
So I turn to my co-workers for their insight and ask them, "Did you fill out the Census 2010 yet?" they both answer yes. I ask, "What's today's date?" They confirm it is indeed March 24th, 2010. I go back to the Census and read the question one more time...baring in mind that a Census that was supposed to be easier than the SAT is now turning out more difficult than the Barr Exam!
Ok...one more time:
"How many people were living or staying in this house/apartment on April 1, 2010?"
Hang on while I get my crystal ball...aw fuck it! I write down "2."
Question #2
"Were there any ADDITIONAL people staying here April 1, 2010 that you DID NOT INCLUDE in Question 1?"
I guess once wasn't bad enough! They had to ask it again in case you suddenly reproduced while you were reading the question! And even if by some miracle I HAD reproduced, it would STILL BE MARCH!
Question #3, "Is this house or apartment..." then it asks me to 'mark one box' but every multiple choice answer is phrased like a question...For example, "Rented?" Ok, so they want me to select an answer that is posed like a question. Now who is going to answer the question???
Question #4, they want my phone number. Let's see...900-FUC-KOFF.
Question #5, "provide info on each person living here." GEEZ they're nosey!
Question #6, "What is Person 1's sex?" Answer: "All the time."
Question #7, "What is person's age and what is person's date of birth?"
So they can't just ask for the date of birth? Because believe it or not, my age is going to change, but my date of birth will always remain the same...Maybe they are testing to see if I'm going to lie about my age and are comparing it to what I write for my date of birth.
Question #8, "Is Person of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?"
If I answer yes, do I win something?
Question #9, "What is person's race?"
I don't know about you, but I HATE this question?? When are we going to stop putting so much emphasis on what color our skin is?? If we were all blind, it wouldn't matter, now would it. Just for that, I'm writing "PURPLE!" Then I can claim that I am being discriminated against because I am the smallest minority in the country. "I AM PURPLE DAMMIT!!! HIRE ME!!"
Question #10, "Does person sometimes live or stay somewhere else?"
Does that person live??? I sure as hell hope so! It's ME we're talking about?
Do I STAY somewhere else? If you believe someone who spends 30% of their lives at work stays "somewhere else" then yeah, I guess I do!! Is this a trick question?
I'm finished....now I can mail this useless tree destroying scrap of crap back to where it came from!
The time has come, once again for all of us to fill out that stupid Census form that the U.S. Department of Commerce pressures us all to fill out each year. I received mine in the mail last week and it's been sitting, wrinkled inside my work bag waiting to be completed. Today, I pulled it out and forced myself to rip it open and get the damn thing over with! The forms are pretty short and require very little effort to fill out. I mean, it's not like taking your SAT's!
First sentence "Use a blue or black pen." Ok...got it! Next sentence, "Start here"...no shit! I read on "Before you answer Question 1, count the people living in this house/apartment." Well that shouldn't be too difficult...one, two! THE END!
Ok...onto Question #1
"How many people were living or staying in this house/apartment on April 1, 2010?"
:-| I look at my calendar...Yes, it is still March. I re-read the question with emphasis:
"How many people WERE living or staying in this house/apartment ON April 1, 2010?"
I am NOT falling for this April fools prank!! NO WAY!!!!
So I turn to my co-workers for their insight and ask them, "Did you fill out the Census 2010 yet?" they both answer yes. I ask, "What's today's date?" They confirm it is indeed March 24th, 2010. I go back to the Census and read the question one more time...baring in mind that a Census that was supposed to be easier than the SAT is now turning out more difficult than the Barr Exam!
Ok...one more time:
"How many people were living or staying in this house/apartment on April 1, 2010?"
Hang on while I get my crystal ball...aw fuck it! I write down "2."
Question #2
"Were there any ADDITIONAL people staying here April 1, 2010 that you DID NOT INCLUDE in Question 1?"
I guess once wasn't bad enough! They had to ask it again in case you suddenly reproduced while you were reading the question! And even if by some miracle I HAD reproduced, it would STILL BE MARCH!
Question #3, "Is this house or apartment..." then it asks me to 'mark one box' but every multiple choice answer is phrased like a question...For example, "Rented?" Ok, so they want me to select an answer that is posed like a question. Now who is going to answer the question???
Question #4, they want my phone number. Let's see...900-FUC-KOFF.
Question #5, "provide info on each person living here." GEEZ they're nosey!
Question #6, "What is Person 1's sex?" Answer: "All the time."
Question #7, "What is person's age and what is person's date of birth?"
So they can't just ask for the date of birth? Because believe it or not, my age is going to change, but my date of birth will always remain the same...Maybe they are testing to see if I'm going to lie about my age and are comparing it to what I write for my date of birth.
Question #8, "Is Person of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?"
If I answer yes, do I win something?
Question #9, "What is person's race?"
I don't know about you, but I HATE this question?? When are we going to stop putting so much emphasis on what color our skin is?? If we were all blind, it wouldn't matter, now would it. Just for that, I'm writing "PURPLE!" Then I can claim that I am being discriminated against because I am the smallest minority in the country. "I AM PURPLE DAMMIT!!! HIRE ME!!"
Question #10, "Does person sometimes live or stay somewhere else?"
Does that person live??? I sure as hell hope so! It's ME we're talking about?
Do I STAY somewhere else? If you believe someone who spends 30% of their lives at work stays "somewhere else" then yeah, I guess I do!! Is this a trick question?
I'm finished....now I can mail this useless tree destroying scrap of crap back to where it came from!
Monday, March 22, 2010
I Am No Bridezilla, But It's Tempting!
by AuburnVixen
I've come to realize that finding a wedding dress is as difficult as finding a house! For every 50 you see, 49 of them are junk and the one you love is too expensive!
Over the weekend, my mother and I ventured out to shop for my wedding dress. My mom is a lot of fun to take along because she LOVES to shop and loves clothes equally as much!
I looked online and found 3 places to visit that day. The first one we went to was a small place with big dressing rooms. Small selection, but not bad. Prices were ok.
I didn't see anything that really impressed me, but tried on a bunch anyway.
The woman running the shop, who I will call "C" was the only one there that day.
When we first arrived, C asked me what I was looking for. I told her my style and fabric preferences and also clearly stated I did not want ivory (my Catholic mother has already voiced her opinion on this, but she doesn't quite grasp the fact that virgin brides only exist in fairy tales!). I ended up trying some ivory dresses on anyway just to see how the style looked on me.
During the visit and dress changing period, C would pop her head into the dressing room every once in a while to see how we were doing and also to try and talk us into liking everything I tried on. I just LOVE THAT!
C had given me these boob fillers that she called "chicken cutlets." The chicken cutlets came in handy, giving my lack of cleavage a little hope. C and my mother stepped out of the room, and I proceeded to try on the next dress. Pretty dress, but my tits were literally floating in the cups like two queen olives in a martini!
so when the woman and my mom came back into the room, I said, "I love this dress, but the chicken cutlets were useless...I'm gonna need the whole chicken!"
After C stopped laughing and left the room, I moved onto the next dress, which was ivory..very pretty though! C came back into the room as I was trying to take it off and she said, "What's wrong with that one?" I said to the woman, "This one's nice, but it's ivory...I don't want ivory." and she said, "That's not really ivory...you are just deceived by the lighting in this room....come with me!!!" and she proceeds to yank me out of the dressing room, and shove me out the front door onto the sidewalk of a busy street and says, "SEE! It's not ivory!!" My first response would have been, "If it's ivory inside, it's ivory outside, unless you are selling some new dye that changes white in the sun!" but instead, I decided to maintain what was left of my dignity and just go with, "I don't like it!"
The second store we went to was yet another hole in the wall shop, but it was much worse. The dresses were all ripped, dirty, and overpriced. I tried on only a couple...the woman working there had no sense of humor, which was noted by my mom when I made an awesome joke and the woman didn't laugh.
We did not stay long at this shop, but on a good note, I did get admired through the window when a couple was passing by and stared at how pretty I looked in the dress I didn't want!!
The last shop stop was a little further away to get to, about 1/2 hour drive. I plugged the address into the GPS and about 30 minutes later, GPS Denise is saying, "Please stay to the left" which we did, and "You have reached your destination!" which was actually the highway with cement walls on either side of us. Luckily for us, I saw the store and was able to turn around and get to it, but I really wanted to smash Denise in the face and say, "It was a RIGHT, you stupid bitch!! NOT a LEFT!!" Who programs those things?? Men without maps??
Anyway, to finish my story, we drive into the parking lot, which is insanely busy and difficult to find a spot. Then I see a group of people (yes, I said GROUP) walking to their mini-van, so I pull up close to it, turn on my blinker and wait for them to leave...and I wait...and wait. After losing my patience, I gave up and found another spot while mumbling under my breath that we were late for our appointment because this family truly believes "Eight really isn't enough!" As my mom and I walked passed Octomom and her 10 other relatives, the driver was finally backing out of her spot, stopped halfway and got out of the car. All I could do was shake my head. Just another day surrounded by idiots! And oh look! They all ride together! Where is the uni-bomber when you need him?
The third bridal shop was fun! We plan to go back when it's less busy. Still have not found my dress though, but I'll keep looking. The search for the dress (AND the house) continues...
I've come to realize that finding a wedding dress is as difficult as finding a house! For every 50 you see, 49 of them are junk and the one you love is too expensive!
Over the weekend, my mother and I ventured out to shop for my wedding dress. My mom is a lot of fun to take along because she LOVES to shop and loves clothes equally as much!
I looked online and found 3 places to visit that day. The first one we went to was a small place with big dressing rooms. Small selection, but not bad. Prices were ok.
I didn't see anything that really impressed me, but tried on a bunch anyway.
The woman running the shop, who I will call "C" was the only one there that day.
When we first arrived, C asked me what I was looking for. I told her my style and fabric preferences and also clearly stated I did not want ivory (my Catholic mother has already voiced her opinion on this, but she doesn't quite grasp the fact that virgin brides only exist in fairy tales!). I ended up trying some ivory dresses on anyway just to see how the style looked on me.
During the visit and dress changing period, C would pop her head into the dressing room every once in a while to see how we were doing and also to try and talk us into liking everything I tried on. I just LOVE THAT!
C had given me these boob fillers that she called "chicken cutlets." The chicken cutlets came in handy, giving my lack of cleavage a little hope. C and my mother stepped out of the room, and I proceeded to try on the next dress. Pretty dress, but my tits were literally floating in the cups like two queen olives in a martini!
so when the woman and my mom came back into the room, I said, "I love this dress, but the chicken cutlets were useless...I'm gonna need the whole chicken!"
After C stopped laughing and left the room, I moved onto the next dress, which was ivory..very pretty though! C came back into the room as I was trying to take it off and she said, "What's wrong with that one?" I said to the woman, "This one's nice, but it's ivory...I don't want ivory." and she said, "That's not really ivory...you are just deceived by the lighting in this room....come with me!!!" and she proceeds to yank me out of the dressing room, and shove me out the front door onto the sidewalk of a busy street and says, "SEE! It's not ivory!!" My first response would have been, "If it's ivory inside, it's ivory outside, unless you are selling some new dye that changes white in the sun!" but instead, I decided to maintain what was left of my dignity and just go with, "I don't like it!"
The second store we went to was yet another hole in the wall shop, but it was much worse. The dresses were all ripped, dirty, and overpriced. I tried on only a couple...the woman working there had no sense of humor, which was noted by my mom when I made an awesome joke and the woman didn't laugh.
We did not stay long at this shop, but on a good note, I did get admired through the window when a couple was passing by and stared at how pretty I looked in the dress I didn't want!!
The last shop stop was a little further away to get to, about 1/2 hour drive. I plugged the address into the GPS and about 30 minutes later, GPS Denise is saying, "Please stay to the left" which we did, and "You have reached your destination!" which was actually the highway with cement walls on either side of us. Luckily for us, I saw the store and was able to turn around and get to it, but I really wanted to smash Denise in the face and say, "It was a RIGHT, you stupid bitch!! NOT a LEFT!!" Who programs those things?? Men without maps??
Anyway, to finish my story, we drive into the parking lot, which is insanely busy and difficult to find a spot. Then I see a group of people (yes, I said GROUP) walking to their mini-van, so I pull up close to it, turn on my blinker and wait for them to leave...and I wait...and wait. After losing my patience, I gave up and found another spot while mumbling under my breath that we were late for our appointment because this family truly believes "Eight really isn't enough!" As my mom and I walked passed Octomom and her 10 other relatives, the driver was finally backing out of her spot, stopped halfway and got out of the car. All I could do was shake my head. Just another day surrounded by idiots! And oh look! They all ride together! Where is the uni-bomber when you need him?
The third bridal shop was fun! We plan to go back when it's less busy. Still have not found my dress though, but I'll keep looking. The search for the dress (AND the house) continues...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
THANK GOD!! It Was Only A Dream, or Should I Say NIGHTMARE!!
by AuburnVixen
I am getting married this year, and I couldn't be happier. So far, everything is coming together smoothly, which is a rare occurrence in my life! My wedding will include a made of honor (my best friend and partner in crime!) and one other bridesmaid. Last night, I had a dream that it was my wedding day. Family and friends were present and my mother was doing the thing she does so well: handling the decorations and arrangements. As a typical bride would be, I was stressed and not thinking clearly from all the excitement and anticipation. When I entered the room for the reception, I saw people sitting in chairs and the JP stood at the front of the room, reciting Bible scripture...I was about ready to barf!
I walked over to the location where one bridesmaid stood (supposedly my friend, but in my dream she was someone I had never met before..that's dreams for ya!). My actual wedding color scheme is supposed to be a deep dark gold and black with other accent colors. But when I looked at my "dream bridesmaid friend," she was wearing PASTEL COLORS!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PASTEL??? Why not cut me with razors and dip me in acid!!! Even worse, the flowers were the same color scheme. I turned to my mom and said, "Mom! These are not the right colors?" and she said in her Too-Bad-I-Do-What-I-Want tone, "But they are so pretty!" Then I noticed I did not have a bouquet and she said, "Just grab some flowers off the table." :-| ummmm...ok. TACKY!!!!
All of a sudden, I realized my maid of honor wasn't there!! I FORGOT TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT!! I ran to the door in a panic and saw her driving up in a convertible taxi with her husband next to her. Convertible taxi??? That's new!
She was smiling, as she always does in bad situations, and I could tell she probably was NOT going to kill me...she'd probably wait until after the wedding when she's drunk off her ass and blaming me for stealing her make-believe toothbrush again! I woke up from the dream after that... PHEW!!!
Good news is, it was only a dream. I still expect my wedding will be one of the most wonderful days of my life!!! :)
I am getting married this year, and I couldn't be happier. So far, everything is coming together smoothly, which is a rare occurrence in my life! My wedding will include a made of honor (my best friend and partner in crime!) and one other bridesmaid. Last night, I had a dream that it was my wedding day. Family and friends were present and my mother was doing the thing she does so well: handling the decorations and arrangements. As a typical bride would be, I was stressed and not thinking clearly from all the excitement and anticipation. When I entered the room for the reception, I saw people sitting in chairs and the JP stood at the front of the room, reciting Bible scripture...I was about ready to barf!
I walked over to the location where one bridesmaid stood (supposedly my friend, but in my dream she was someone I had never met before..that's dreams for ya!). My actual wedding color scheme is supposed to be a deep dark gold and black with other accent colors. But when I looked at my "dream bridesmaid friend," she was wearing PASTEL COLORS!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PASTEL??? Why not cut me with razors and dip me in acid!!! Even worse, the flowers were the same color scheme. I turned to my mom and said, "Mom! These are not the right colors?" and she said in her Too-Bad-I-Do-What-I-Want tone, "But they are so pretty!" Then I noticed I did not have a bouquet and she said, "Just grab some flowers off the table." :-| ummmm...ok. TACKY!!!!
All of a sudden, I realized my maid of honor wasn't there!! I FORGOT TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT!! I ran to the door in a panic and saw her driving up in a convertible taxi with her husband next to her. Convertible taxi??? That's new!
She was smiling, as she always does in bad situations, and I could tell she probably was NOT going to kill me...she'd probably wait until after the wedding when she's drunk off her ass and blaming me for stealing her make-believe toothbrush again! I woke up from the dream after that... PHEW!!!
Good news is, it was only a dream. I still expect my wedding will be one of the most wonderful days of my life!!! :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
STUPID PEOPLE INVASION!!
by AuburnVixen
They are all around me and I can't escape! No matter where I turn, I'm surrounded by stupid people! Is there any hope?? They are on the phone, on my computer, driving their cars! They are walking on the sidewalks or crossing the street..They are on buses, airplanes and boats! I have tried to block them out...tried to avoid them...but they find me!!! They always find me!!!
The voice in side of my head keeps repeating, "If you can't beat 'em...join 'em!!...If you can't beat 'em...join 'em!!" NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
They are all around me and I can't escape! No matter where I turn, I'm surrounded by stupid people! Is there any hope?? They are on the phone, on my computer, driving their cars! They are walking on the sidewalks or crossing the street..They are on buses, airplanes and boats! I have tried to block them out...tried to avoid them...but they find me!!! They always find me!!!
The voice in side of my head keeps repeating, "If you can't beat 'em...join 'em!!...If you can't beat 'em...join 'em!!" NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
The Joys of Owning a Home – Part 2
Two days went by and no leak was detected. Because my son is home for spring break – my husband offered to pay him $20.00 to fill the hole. He did that yesterday. When I got off of work I went to the water meter and it was running again! My husband got home from work and his jaw dropped when I told him. He said “No WAY!!!! I’m not digging that back up!” Well needless to say he did.
Once he did the water meter stopped moving. Again! But this time he was not going to give up so easily. So this time we both go to the master bathroom and flush the toilet – nothing. Then the shower – nothing. Finally the faucet – nothing! We turn to the ‘other’ bathroom. Shower-nothing. Faucet – nothing. Toilet – nothing. Water meter – nothing.
We scratch our heads…hmmmm. My husband finally turns on the water hose in the backyard and WHALA!!!! The hole begins to fill up with water!!! There was a water leak on the pipe going to the water hose. Yes, this was underground and yes – it has now been repaired.
Once he did the water meter stopped moving. Again! But this time he was not going to give up so easily. So this time we both go to the master bathroom and flush the toilet – nothing. Then the shower – nothing. Finally the faucet – nothing! We turn to the ‘other’ bathroom. Shower-nothing. Faucet – nothing. Toilet – nothing. Water meter – nothing.
We scratch our heads…hmmmm. My husband finally turns on the water hose in the backyard and WHALA!!!! The hole begins to fill up with water!!! There was a water leak on the pipe going to the water hose. Yes, this was underground and yes – it has now been repaired.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Dumb Ass Drivers and Cell Phones
by AuburnVixen
We all hear about it on the news: Accidents caused by drivers using their cell phones. The statistics are clear but the drivers do not seem to care. They think they are invincible!!! I'm not going to claim that I have never used my cell phone while driving, but I will tell you it is an extremely rare occurrence. Why? Because I listen to the warnings and I do not believe I am indestructible! Maybe it's because I'm "older and wiser" or maybe it's because I'm not a total fucking idiot!!
Sometimes I pull up to an intersection and look at the cars around me, and try to count how many people are on their cell phone. I can tell you, I am out numbered. One of these days I'm going to get out of my car, open your driver's side door, grab your cell phone and smack you upside the fucking head with it! If your parents and/or friends won't do it, SOMEONE ought to!
I happen to live in a city where people naturally drive like idiots anyway, so people that use their cell phones while driving only increases the number of morons on the road and I am one of the unlucky ones that has to deal with it, risking my life every day on the road with you. I am just trying to get my ass to work so I can pay the bills and I don't want my salary wasted on purchasing myself a new skull because of some selfish cell phone using fuck-up!
When I purchased my latest cell phone two years ago, they had these tiny little gadgets called a BLU-TOOTH device. Check it out! It might save your life or better yet, someone else's!
If my post isn't enough to convince you, check out this website...and if that doesn't work, I guess killing someone will!
http://www.car-accidents.com/cell_phone_car_accidents.html
We all hear about it on the news: Accidents caused by drivers using their cell phones. The statistics are clear but the drivers do not seem to care. They think they are invincible!!! I'm not going to claim that I have never used my cell phone while driving, but I will tell you it is an extremely rare occurrence. Why? Because I listen to the warnings and I do not believe I am indestructible! Maybe it's because I'm "older and wiser" or maybe it's because I'm not a total fucking idiot!!
Sometimes I pull up to an intersection and look at the cars around me, and try to count how many people are on their cell phone. I can tell you, I am out numbered. One of these days I'm going to get out of my car, open your driver's side door, grab your cell phone and smack you upside the fucking head with it! If your parents and/or friends won't do it, SOMEONE ought to!
I happen to live in a city where people naturally drive like idiots anyway, so people that use their cell phones while driving only increases the number of morons on the road and I am one of the unlucky ones that has to deal with it, risking my life every day on the road with you. I am just trying to get my ass to work so I can pay the bills and I don't want my salary wasted on purchasing myself a new skull because of some selfish cell phone using fuck-up!
When I purchased my latest cell phone two years ago, they had these tiny little gadgets called a BLU-TOOTH device. Check it out! It might save your life or better yet, someone else's!
If my post isn't enough to convince you, check out this website...and if that doesn't work, I guess killing someone will!
http://www.car-accidents.com/cell_phone_car_accidents.html
Monday, March 15, 2010
Shitbox Search, Chapter 2!
by AuburnVixen
My fiance and I are shopping for a house...Given this will be our first home, we do not expect it to be our dream home...but we would like it to be a home that does not have mold growing on its walls, termites chewing up the floorboards, gaping holes and cracks at every turn, or have swamp-like conditions in the basement. Given the amount of money we plan to spend on a house, I really don't think it's too much to ask that it be a normal friggin house away from the power plants or high-voltage power lines...A house where I can start a family without my babies being born with 3 eyes and an IQ of 15! Yes folks, we would like to purchase a home where the sellers are not charging full price for a house that should be condemned, torn down, and is on a plot of land that should be completely sterilized in order to kill off the genetically mutated organisms the rotting house managed to reproduced!
To the moronic real estate agents and the greedy dipshit home owners trying to sell: We are in a recession, in case you hadn't noticed...so if you are struggling with money, SO ARE WE!! You might have paid $450,000 for your home 10 years ago, but that doesn't mean that's what your house is worth now! I know it's not exactly fair, but it's a fact of life and life sucks! If your assessed value is $300,000, don't try to sell your house for $360,000 and think the buyer (aka ME!) is going to say, "OH GEE!!! What an awesome deal!!! You must have read the sign on my forehead that says SUCKER" We aren't stupid and we aren't fooled by your agents that tell us they had "no idea the house is really a 2 bedroom...not a 6 bedroom!" or they can't believe there's water in the basement!!!! OMG!!! That's NEVER happened before!!!"..meanwhile there are 5 sump pumps going that just HAPPENED to already be there! And let's not forget about those awesome houses, gorgeous on the inside, but their neighbor lives in a house that only Slingblade could love and you have to keep your children on a leash so they don't run out into the street and turn into roadkill!
Over the weekend, we viewed several houses. The first house we went into was beautiful from the outside and fixed up nicely on the inside. It was a cute house with a cute kitty! But the basement was leaking water out of every pour and it smelled like Mr. Kitty's poop x 2000! Have you ever seen that Wal-Mart commercial where the woman sprints it to the parking lot screaming to her husband "START YOUR CAR!!!! START YOUR CAR!!!!!" That was us.
Some of the houses on our list did not have open houses, but we were in the area and decided to do a drive by...We drove by alright and probably left a few tire tracks on their street.
We became so fed up with the experience, that we didn't even bother with the last 2 houses on our list.
My fiance and I are shopping for a house...Given this will be our first home, we do not expect it to be our dream home...but we would like it to be a home that does not have mold growing on its walls, termites chewing up the floorboards, gaping holes and cracks at every turn, or have swamp-like conditions in the basement. Given the amount of money we plan to spend on a house, I really don't think it's too much to ask that it be a normal friggin house away from the power plants or high-voltage power lines...A house where I can start a family without my babies being born with 3 eyes and an IQ of 15! Yes folks, we would like to purchase a home where the sellers are not charging full price for a house that should be condemned, torn down, and is on a plot of land that should be completely sterilized in order to kill off the genetically mutated organisms the rotting house managed to reproduced!
To the moronic real estate agents and the greedy dipshit home owners trying to sell: We are in a recession, in case you hadn't noticed...so if you are struggling with money, SO ARE WE!! You might have paid $450,000 for your home 10 years ago, but that doesn't mean that's what your house is worth now! I know it's not exactly fair, but it's a fact of life and life sucks! If your assessed value is $300,000, don't try to sell your house for $360,000 and think the buyer (aka ME!) is going to say, "OH GEE!!! What an awesome deal!!! You must have read the sign on my forehead that says SUCKER" We aren't stupid and we aren't fooled by your agents that tell us they had "no idea the house is really a 2 bedroom...not a 6 bedroom!" or they can't believe there's water in the basement!!!! OMG!!! That's NEVER happened before!!!"..meanwhile there are 5 sump pumps going that just HAPPENED to already be there! And let's not forget about those awesome houses, gorgeous on the inside, but their neighbor lives in a house that only Slingblade could love and you have to keep your children on a leash so they don't run out into the street and turn into roadkill!
Over the weekend, we viewed several houses. The first house we went into was beautiful from the outside and fixed up nicely on the inside. It was a cute house with a cute kitty! But the basement was leaking water out of every pour and it smelled like Mr. Kitty's poop x 2000! Have you ever seen that Wal-Mart commercial where the woman sprints it to the parking lot screaming to her husband "START YOUR CAR!!!! START YOUR CAR!!!!!" That was us.
Some of the houses on our list did not have open houses, but we were in the area and decided to do a drive by...We drove by alright and probably left a few tire tracks on their street.
We became so fed up with the experience, that we didn't even bother with the last 2 houses on our list.
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